…because it has probably been one of the worst years, emotionally & mentally, that I’ve had in a long time.
I don’t usually do this but I think it’s time to vent my frustrations and feelings that I’ve had over the past year. I need to get it out and leave it here in 2013 to be forgotten.
It’s always been very hard for me to express myself and the way I’m truly feeling to everyone around me, which leaves me with a lot of bottled up emotions. I hold on to these things because I’m super non-confrontational and I hate drama and attention, but keeping it all inside leaves me more depressed and angry. Usually there is at least someone in your life you can turn to in your time of need, but I’ve never found one person that I can actually open up to and tell them what’s on my mind. I don’t want to bother people with my problems or piss them off. I feel that they won’t understand how I’m feeling, what I’m going through or that they’ll just brush it off because it’s not important.
This year I constantly felt left out by my friends. They’d go out or do something and I rarely seemed to get an invitation. Always heard the stories but was never there to experience it. It got to the point where when I was asked to do something I made a point of having a miserable time or made an excuse not to go. Only pushing them away even more and making myself more depressed. I’m really good at pushing people away. Or plans would be made to go to a movie or do something like that and at least one of them would bail at the last minute even though they were so excited to go. It got to the point that even though they said they were going, you knew it would never happen. Such a piss off and hypocritical move.
The friends I’ve had since I was a kid are all in a totally different place in their lives than I am, happily married, have steady jobs and places of their own. And I’ve just been struggling to find any of that for myself. All I want for my life is to have a career that I’m passionate about, a man that loves me for who I am, to be able to keep travelling and a home to return to. I don’t get to see them as much as I should. It gets harder when you’re older, busy schedules and all that. I always feel like I’d be bothering them to ask to hang out. They have grown up lives.
I did lose someone very special to me as well, my Uncle Paul. It’s hard to express how much I miss him and how hard his loss really was on me. I think about him a lot, always in my heart. Wishing that I had more time with him, especially near the end. The memories I do have are very dear to my heart.
Bottom line is that I’ve never felt more alone and more lost than this year.
It hasn’t all been terrible, but the bad has certainly overshadowed the good. The only times it seems I was truly happy was when I was travelling.
April - Cayo Santa Maria, Cuba
A trip that I’ll never forget, 9 crazy girls that I love to be around! A family that has made me feel so welcome and part of the family. I have incredible memories from that trip. It was a time that seemed like anything was possible, where sparks flew, where the days were spent drinking, laughing and enjoying time away from the distractions of the real world. I didn’t want to leave that place, cried on the bus to the airport and all. A day doesn’t go by without thinking about Cuba and the adventures I’ll have there someday soon when I return.
September - Boston and Cape Cod
A whirlwind of a road trip with the J-Team! It was a pleasure to drive through NY and MA with the rolling hills and the changing colours of the leaves. Not as much of a pleasure to drive in Boston as the drivers are crazy, although the city is beautiful. Had a wonderful time wandering the streets of Provincetown at the tip of Cape Cod, such a beautiful town with little shops and restaurants at every turn. And then sailing on the calm waters of the Hyannis Harbour at sunset was probably my favourite part, so relaxing and peaceful. I always love my little trips with the J-Team.
October - Florida Road Trip
A trip that I was shocked actually came together. Something we talked about doing for months with seriousness but getting together to plan details was a struggle. Everyone knew my frustrations surrounding the trip except the person I was going with. Once we were on the road, all was well, it was happening. 12 days, 12 states, driving to the southernmost point in the continental USA (Key West) and back. A most amazing journey full of great times, lots of learning, fun, sun and adventure. We were truly tourists and it was awesome. Being on the road is so freeing and it made me long for a life on the road, moving from one place to the next, a new experience every day.
So there it is, the good and bad. The times that I will never forget and the times that need to be forgotten right now. It took me way too long to put this all into words.
I’m now wiping the slate clean for a fresh, happy and positive start to 2014.